Oh, Them Four!
by swimdiva87
Summary: A lovely jumble of stories from the infoumas Marauders! These are their days as teens when they were just friends. There does not happen to be any sort of order.
1. Rawr!

**Disclaimer =anything recognizable is clearly JK's **

"Rawr!"

"RAWR!"

"RAWR!"

"Padfoot, you are NOT a dinosaur!" exclaimed the one known as "Moony".

"Oh…."

"Prongs?"

"Prongs?"

"PRONGS?"

"WHAT?"

"I dare you to roar at Lily." This Padfoot fellow (boy he seems annoying) snickered.

"I am not going to roar at Lily. She is my girlfriend, and I'd rather not lose her this soon," stated Prongs matter-of-factly.

"Do it."

"Do it!"

"DO-"

"I swear by Merlin himself that if you repeat anything one more time, you will not see your next meal!" shouted Moony. Who has now begun to hyperventilate. And his left eye started to twitch. His mouth looked like it was foaming also. Oh dear.

"All I wanted was for Prongs to do one thing. Is that so hard?" Padfoot and Moony both looked to this Prongs guy. Prongs took one look at the rabid werewolf and annoying animagus and went out to find Lily.

"Lily? Oh Lily dear?"

"Yes James?" Lily sighed.

"Rawr."

"Love you to babe."

_Back in the dormitory_

"Padfoot, is there something you want to tell us?" said Prongs with his signature smirk arriving on his face.

"I swear, I thought she was going to hex, that's all!"

"Sure….sure…"

**If you didn't know, "Rawr" is "l love you" in dinosaur.**


	2. Remus vs Sirius

**Disclaimer ~ I am not cool enough to be Jk, so there for anything you recognize is not mine. If you do not recognize it, then its mine!**

* * *

Four boys, all first years, stepped into their dorm on their first night there. "There" happens to be Hogwarts, the most magical place in all of Britain. Two tall, raven haired boys chose beds close to the large window, and a short fellow chose a bed in the shadows. A sick little guy got the only one left.

The tallest one goes by the name of Sirius Black, while the second tallest goes by James Potter. These two families were extreme opposites, but the two boys were bff's. The shorty in the corner was named Peter Pettigrew, and the sickly-looking boy was called Remus Lupin. They all had gotten to know each other pretty well at dinner, as they were the only eleven year-old boys in Gryffindor.

"Soooooooo, did anyone see that girl?" said James, trying to break the tension.

"There were a lot of girls, James, care to elaborate?" Remus said, though it would appear that he was deeply immersed in a book.

"If you're going to talk about Evans, l'm leaving," stated Peter.

"No, not now but l will after classes tomorrow. But there was this one girl. I think she was a **seventh year**, I asked what her name was and she told me it was **randomness37**. What kind of name is that?" vented James.

*cricket chirps*

"I see how it is."

More silence.

"Hey, Remus, what are your opinions on pranking?" Sirius asked lazily yet suddenly, sprawled across his bed.

"Personally, l'm going to focus studies in my studies during school," Remus replied.

"What about on weekends?"

"No."

"What about-"

"No."

"But if-"

"No!"

Thus began the era of Remus John Lupin cutting of Sirius Orion Black when he is in the middle of a sentence.

* * *

**Congrats to randomness37, she guessed right first! Who shall be next?**


	3. A Leather Shoe filled with Led

**Just to let you know, I love Remus because he is a sandy haired nerd. I also love Dumbles, but he's gay so it really wouldn't work out…**

**Disclaimer – ummmm wellllllllll I'm not awesome enough to be JK, so anything recognizable is hers. Sooooooooo….. READ ON!**

"Welcome back to another year at Hogwarts! We hope you got your brains nice and empty so they can be filled-"Dumbledore's welcome speech was cut off by a loud snore coming from the Gryffindor table. The loud snore from the Gryffindor table was coming from a sandy haired nerd people call Remus

"Oh dear, we should wake him up. Could somebody, I don't know, jab him with a silver spork or throw a loaf of stale bread at him? Yes, yes, a leather shoe filled with lead would work Mr. Snape," the supposedly "nice" headmaster said. I do believe he forgot to take his potions that morning.

But, before I describe Snape throwing a shoe filled with lead across the Great Hall, we should talk about Remmy. The said "Remmy" person was happily dreaming of prancing through a meadow filled with chocolate daisies in his wolf form. The reason this new, straight-A, never-get-caught-in-a-prank-unlike-his-friends prefect was sleeping during the speech was because a full moon happened to be yesterday, and he was quite tried. And then came the leather shoe filled with lead.

Snape, for some odd reason, disliked this werewolf and wanted to be the one to wake him up. With a leather shoe. Filled with lead. So Snape took a shoe from a Slytherin firstie and with all the strength of a greasy soon-to-be Death Eater/Super Secret Agent/Underdog Hero has, Snape threw the unsurprisingly heavy shoe across two other evenly spaced out tables to the sandy haired nerd. It hit with a **THUD! **

"AHH! WHO THREW A LEATHER SHOE FILLED WITH LEAD AT ME!" the now awake Remus said. "I SWEAR SIRIUS I WILL KILL YOU!

"Hey! Why do you always yell at me? It was Snape's fault!" protested Sirius.

At "Snape's fault" Remus turned, shrugged his shoulders, and sat down. "Well, now that we are all awake, there are certain rules, precautions," **SNORE** "Will someone keep that boy awake?"

**OoooooOOOOooooooo, this was fun to write. How much did you enjoy it? Also, what year is it in this chapter?**


	4. Kitties

**Hello there, I apologize because it has come to my attention that I have been off my funny. So I do hope that you can forgive me, and find humor in my torturing Moony.**

**Disclaimer~ Yeah well, l lack blond hair and a British accent, so l must not be JK Rowling!**

_**3**__**rd**__** Year**_

It was a blistery, blustery winter day in which all the students that went home for the holidays came back, all loaded with wonderful gifts. Among these happy students were the Marauders. Remus came back with a bookcase of new books, chocolate, chocolate books, and bruise salve (it was a full moon). Peter came back sweets, sweets, and a quill. Sirius came back with, well, no one can quite figure out what Regulas gave him. And James came back with a cat.

This cat was quite unique. For example, it did not have a weird name for it like all other pets in the Harry Potter world. Its name was AJ. AJ also was not orange or black, like the cats in the Harry Potter world. AJ was a white and gray. AL has pretty green eyes, but when she plays with you her pupils go wide and her mouth is wide open so you can see her feline fangs. AJ looks very scary when she plays. She was pretty small for her age, but could claw you to death.

One thing you should know before we enter the dialogue part, Remus Lupin was…well, how about you find out?

"You got a WHAT?"

"A cat! Her name is –"James tried to say

"You can't bring a cat into a dormitory with me!" Remus practically screamed. "I'm severely allergic! I told you that the day I met you!"

"Okay, okay! I'll have one of the girls take care of her!" said James slightly franticly.

_**6**__**th**__** year**_

"I can't believe you talked me into coming here with you," whispered Remus.

"Aw, come on! You know it's fun sneaking out late," Sirius whispered back.

Just then, Mrs. Norris came out behind them and let out a big meow. The pair turned around slowly. Shortly following Mrs. Norris's big meow was Filch himself. He took the evil little kitty into his arms and stroked her like an evil guenis. "Well, well, well. What do we have here? Two boys sneaking out of their dorms it seems. Oh look, one's a prefect! Mwhahahaha. Well it seems," with this Filch stepped closer, and closer, and closer, "that I will have to give you two a detention. Oh what a shame!" He was now one step away from Remus, who was staring at the cat.

"Er, Mr. Filch, er, Sir? Could you step away from me please," Remus said as politely as he could. Filch stepped close to Remus now, their noses were almost touching. Remus looked like he was going to vomit, or faint, or break out into hives. He did all three. He face and arms got really bumpy, then he fell to the ground very ungracefully. When Sirius slapped his face multiple times, he reached semi-consciousness, saw the cat was still there, and vomited his lovely 5–star dinner.

"You know what? I don't really think you need detention. Goodbye!" Filch then scurried off to his little hovel/office.

**Hahaha, do you like? Oh yeah, since I put the actual years here, you don't get to guess. Sorry.**


	5. Don't try this at home!

**I feel like torturing Sirius, what about you?**

**Disclaimer ~ I am not JK Rowling! How many times do I have to tell you?**

"Come on, Mooney, we've got to get to class!"

Moony remained snoring.

"Hey Remmy, I got chocolate!"

He slept still.

"Come now, I'm just going to gently shake you awake, wakey wak – "

"AHHHHHHH!" shouted by Padfoot.

If, by some odd chance that you were wondering, you want to know why Sirius Black screamed like a girl, it was because Remus slapped him in the face. In his sleep. It left a mark on his face AND ego.

"Hey, now, that was hardely fair to hit Sirius! Whoa, hey, OW!"

Remus happened to punch James Potter in his sleep.

"Alright, since you won't get up," poor Pete began, "I am going to have to pour water on you!" As Peter lifted the bucket of water that appeared out of nowhere, Remus sprayed him with pepper spray he conveniently had in bed with him.

"Hey now, why don't you just get up?" Sirius asked as he staggered into a standing position. As soon as the words left his mouth, Remus took a clay dinosaur from under his covers and threw it right at Sirius's face.

"Let's go! Get up!" shouted James from the floor. Remus then took out a paintball gun from under his pillow and shot him. Remus also nailed Peter in the tender spots, and he hit Sirius four times in the chest.

"For God's sakes, man, get up!" shouted Sirius. Remus now started whipping him with a pair of Peter's pants.

"Why do you have my pants?" asked frightened Peter, who was now pant-less. Remus sat up, screamed right in Peter's ear, and then lay down again. Sirius tried to get up after that trauma. Remus took out a lamp from in his bed. Yes, a lamp. He used the lamp to start hitting Sirius many times.

James was just standing by in that, enjoying his best friend's torture.

"Well, um, if you haven't killed Sirius yet, now would be a good time to wake up," said James. Remus pulled out three rabid cats from his bed and threw them at James. And yes, he is allergic to cats in this.

The boys finally realized that this was detrimental to their health, so Peter and James dragged Sirius out of the room. When they arrived in the common room, they were ambushed with questions. And Lily got mad.

"Remus couldn't have done this in his sleep!"

"But he did!"

"Yeah! See for yourself!"

"Maybe I will!"

Silly Lily climbed up the stairs to their room, found Remus asleep, and gently shook him awake. "Potter and Black are making stories about you," she told him when he was awake. "Go on, they say you beat them up in your sleep."

"Impossible!" he protested. "Thanks for waking me up."

Lily and Remus walked down, without a scratch.

**Bad ending, good ending, slightly ok ending? Do I have my funny back?**


	6. MONKEYS!

**K, this is really short. Around two hundred words. Sorry and HAPPY NEW TEAR-er-YEAR!**

**Disclaimer ~ I have never owned Harry Potter OR Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. **

"AH! HELP ME JESUS! HELP ME JEWISH GOD! HELP ME ALLAH! HELP ME TOM CRUISE!" cried Sirius as he ran through the hallowed halls of Hogwarts unattended (it was Peter's night to watch him). Thankfully, a wonderfully strict teacher -who can turn into a cat- spotted the poor deranged Padfoot.

"Black! What in Merlin's name has happened to you now?" said the said teacher.

"MY PANTS!" Sirius screamed into her face, then ran widely to the next hallway, failing his arms and screaming something about monkeys.

**__**

Meanwhile, James and Remus toasted to the fact they were Padfoot free for the next few hours. They were using sparkling grape juice and fancy-smancy cups. Then, ruining their paradise, Peter ran up to them from nowhere and informed them that Sirius was missing. James almost cried while Remus sighed and pulled out the Marauder's Map.

Sirius was located in some random corridor that they happened to know how to get to.

They ran.

**__**

When they arrived at Sirius, he was covered in sweat and rocking back and forth in a ball. When they asked him very gently what was wrong, he replied:

"THE MONKEY'S ARE EATING MY PANTS!"

**El ende. Did you like?**


	7. SOB

**WARNING WARNING~ THIS IS NOT AS RANDOM AS MY OTHER CHAPTERS!**

**Disclaimer ~ My genie has yet to grant my wish for ownership of HP**

James and Sirius were in a fight. This never happens unless something more stupid than usual happens. I assure you, something for than stupid did happen. Sirius dropped the enormous chocolate pie for Remus's birthday. James had blown his top off (literally, his hat flew off). They were in the center of common room, or else nothing at all would make sense.

"How could you? This was for Moony! He needs this!"

"Forgive me!"

"I don't even know you anymore!"

"I'm sorry! Please! Prongs, forgive me! Please! I beg mercy!"

"It is too late to apologize!"

"Moony, please forgive me! I didn't mean to!"

"How could you betray your friends? What is wrong with you?"

"I am so sorry! *sob*"

"Sirius Orion Black, I cannot accept this apology."

Lily and the other onlookers of this fight sniggered.

"What?"

Lily and the other onlookers looked at each other and sniggered again. Then, a little first year pipped up.

"Is your name really Sirius Orion Black?" she asked.

"Yes," Sirius said uncertainly.

Now the crowd full out laughed at this. The laughter continued to grow.

"What is so funny?" Sirius demanded.

"Your initials are S.O.B. you son of a b****!" the little first year exclaimed.

**Well this is short. I do really like this one. Don't crush my dreams.**


	8. idk my bff jill?

**Hello! Did you forget about me? Furthermore, I'd like to address a Sirius issue. Teens everywhere are addicted to texting, or as they call it, "txtng". In doing this hideous act, they have lost the grammar skills they learned in school. I dedicate this chapter to all those who recovered from the mind-numbing effects of "txtng" and those are their way to recovery.**

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own Hp **

"Prongsie!"

"Prongs!"

"JAMES!"

"WHAT?" can't you guess who this is?

"I'm borrreeedddddd!" need I say who this is?

"Go bother Moony then."

"He told me to bother you."

"Go bother Wormtail."

"He told me to bother Moony."

"Then go bother the squid."

"He told me to bother Wormtail."

"What do you want to do?"

"IDK, my bff jill?"

"OMG! I thought I was ur bff! :~("

"You did not get the dirty joke," said Padfoot as he sat next Prongsie.

"who da hel is dis jill gurl?" said Prongs as he talked in chat-speak.

"Stop talking like that! And get the dirty joke!"

"Geez, dont be so mmmmeeeeaaannnnnnn! "

"I don't know why I try anymore," said Padfoot as he walked up the stairs to his dormitory and read an intelligent book. That's right, Prongs annoyed Padfoot so much he read. Poor boy, such a shame….

"Who da hel is jill?"

**Yes, I have been reading "My Immortal" parodies. **


	9. Insanity of Padfoot

**As of 2/23/11 I would like to say that I wrote this while having a laughing attack.**

**Disclaimer ~ I own nothing that is not insane in this chapter.**

Padfoot sat alone in the dormitory. And he was laughing. Like a madman.

"Haahhahahahhaha! AHhjahahahahhahah! AHHAHAAHAHAHA!" he was slapping the four poster bed so hard the poor thing was shaking. And he, of course, was still laughing.

"AH HA HA HA AH!"

Then came Peter Pettigrew.

"Padfoot….."

"My dear Wormy, come have a *giggle* laugh with your dear – HA – Blackie!" (racist)

"Padfoot, have you been drinking lately? Because I'm pretty sure we took all of the firewhiskey, gin, brandy, tequila, beer, vodka, bourbon, rum, and scotch away from you," Peter said cautiously.

"No my deer ( WAIT – you're a rat!), I have recently realized that I haven't truly laughed in, well, ages," Padfoot said, gripping Wormtail's thin shoulder's as he did so. "So, I laughed. And laughed. And laughity laughity laughity all day long!" Padfoot fell back on the red and gold bedspread and continued to cackle as if he were a witch, not a wizard.

"Um, ok Padfoot, did you take your potions this morning?"

"Haha! No, they taste bloody awful!" With that, Sirius looked up with the craziest of crazy looks on his face. That insane one his uses only when he feels insane. Like right now.


	10. Public Announcement

**This is inspired by the hooligans in my class that call them "kids" AKA my friends.**

**Disclaimer ~ I'm not awesome enough to own this.**

You would think that boys wrestle and talk about girls and Quidditch, maybe even pranks. You would think that. But you are very very wrong. They tickle each other. Please read this public statement while "America's Funniest Home Videos" music plays in your head….

* * *

"Hey, hey, Evans! Will you – AHHH!" said James as he flopped, tickled by one Remus Lupin, on the ground.

* * *

"Professer, could you give me the home - AH HAHAHAHA!" squeled Remus as he fell infront of the most prestegous McGonnagal, while Sirius pranced away unscathed.

* * *

"Hello sir, I'd like to buy - Good Scott!" cried Peter as he lept into the air, and James sprinted away.

* * *

"Professer Slughorn, I'm here for my - WHOA! WHOA! LAUGH!" Sirius shrieked as he squirmed while Peter was bent over him.

* * *

"Ah!"

"Whoa!"

"HAHA!"

"OMGEEEE!"

"STOP!"

"OH BUGG-"

"SWEET MERLIN!"

"PLEASE!"

"i BEG OF YOU!"

"STOP STICKLING ME!"


	11. Some more insanity

**IDK who guessed the year in the last chapter first, nor do I have enough willpower to look. ALSO, i cannot believe you guys put up with me for 13 chapters. my friends won't even put up with me for 13 minutes...**

**Disclaimer ~ if it makes sense and/or is recognizable, it is NOT mine!**

"Shut up Padfoot!" said Remus as Padfoot walked in the common room.

"Hey! I didn't say anything!"

"But you were going to."

"And how do you know that, oh wise Moony?"

"Because you have an "I'm-going-to-say-something-stupid-that-will-make-Moony-want-to-hit-me-in-the-face expression on!"

"Well, that certainly was a lot of hyphens."

"I know."

"YOU AGREED WITH ME! IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Padfoot then proceeded to pick up a first year (known by her friends as **pinkponyhouse)** and ran out of the room. There was a **SteadySilence** in then room as people stared at the place where the delusional teen ran from.

_Years later…_

"Hey, Padfoot?" said Remus as he read by the light of the dying fire in Number 12 Grimmuald Place.

"Yes Moony?"

"You know how Azkaban is supposed to make people crazy?"

"Yeah…"

"And how you were crazy before Azkaban?"

"Well, I wouldn't say crazy."

"You're right, that's an under exaggeration. You were insane.I'm starting to think that Azkaban had a opposite effect on you."

"See here Moony!"

"Let me finish!"

"Never!"

"Shut up! You are normal now, don't deny it!"

"What are you trying to say?"

"That you were crazy before, and are normal now. Completely average, not the slightest bit unique in any way, shape or form; boring, unsophisticated."

"Now now, I wasn't insane, nor was I crazy! I was happily idiotic! And who are you calling boring?"

"You! And yes, you were insane!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Really, must I remind you of the time when…(see beginning of chapter)"

**Credit must be given were credit is due: THANK YOU MY LOVELY BETA! US COMPLETE MY STORY!**


	12. Chapter 13

**Hi! It's been a while! Listen, sometimes I need help writing, so if you have suggestions GIVE THEM TO ME! Also, a shout-out to my beautiful beta Mz. Padfoot14. I also messed up on the chapter number in my A/N earlier. Or did I do that to mess you up? Hmmmmm**

**Disclaimer ~ Yeah, no, I don't own HP**

"Remus, what's wrong?" asked Peter.

"Yeah, you look really pale, Remmy," Sirius continued. "It's hard to believe that your **mother** is sick, the way you look before you go home."

"Is your mother really sick? Last year you missed and exam because of her! The exam you studied four days straight for!" James finished. Sirius and Peter passed him a look, so he decided to continue. "You know, Remus, we've done some research, and you disappear every full moon. We **don't **like being lied to, so we've hatched up a little idea. And if we are wrong, feel free to hit us. Sirius especially."

"**HEY!"**

"Now, Remmy," pause while James breathed, "are you," James paused here for special effect, " a," another dramatic pause, " werewolf?"

Remus buried his head in his hands. _They figured it out_, he thought, _they are going to tell everybody. I'm finished, FINISHED! I need to leave this school in the dead of night!_

"Uh, Remus? Why are you saying that?" Peter asked cautiously. Sirius and James agreed.

"What are you doing in my head, Peter?" Remus said – er – thought. "And why did you bring the Crazies with you? You guys just found out I'm a werewolf! Get the hell out of my head!"

"Uh – Remus? We are not in your head. You're talking out loud," said Peter. Again. Boy, he's come out of his shell!

"Oh – well, this is extremely embarrassing. Well, aren't you going run away screaming? Why aren't you doing that?" Remus said as he lifted his head out of his hands.

"Why would we, Remmy?" Peter asked.

"Yeah!" the Crazies agreed.

The four looked at each other; if anyone walked into the dorm it would seem as if they were having a telepathic conversation. "So," Remus began, "You don't hate me? You don't think I'm a monster?" He was met with many "Of COURSE not!"'s and "Why would you ever think that?""s.

"You know what? I believe that we should find a way to help you!" declared James.

"Yeah, maybe we could be Animagi!" said Peter.

"No! You will not ever come near me when I am a wolf, Animagi or not!" Remus said very angrily.

_***later that evening***_

Remus was studying in the library. Sirius and Peter were playing Wizard's Chess, and James was oogling Evans. "You know what?" Sirius asked.

"Yes I did know that!"

"Shut up James! As I was saying, methinks Peter was actually onto something earlier. Perhaps we should be Animagi. It couldn't hurt, right?" Sirius asked.

"Well, I'll just fill in for Remus here and say, OF COURSE IT COULD HURT! ARE YOU MAD? WE COULD END UP HALF HUMAN HALF ANIMAL FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!" James said – er – screamed. "Now as James, I think it is a great idea!"

And so they became Animagi…..

**Well, this isn't as good as I would have hoped, but you know….. stuff is like that.**


	13. Chapter 13 for real!

**Well, I really messed up these chapters. Through one confused event to another, deleted a chapter, so we are on behind. Also, don't forget to Review!**

**Disclaimer ~ I own a supermegafoxyhot pair of jeans, not Harry Potter.**

In the summer, letters are exchanged. Friends make plans to see each other. And the Marauders make evil, conniving plots. Plots that would make you shudder in your sleep. Plots that would make the bravest seventh years piss themselves. Well, not really, but some people wouldn't exactly call them ethical, considering some people involved. So the summer of '74, they collaborated on a project of the most despicable crimes. A project that would get them all grounded. Or not.

So, through an exchange of letters, James Potter and his father, Charlus Potter, were standing in the Leaky Cauldron. Soon, a tall man stepped out of the fireplace and teenager that looked a great deal like him followed. "Orion," greeted Charlus, "how nice to see you."

"As to you, Charlus," Orion Black acknowledged with a curt nod. He grabbed hold of Sirius as he edged towards James. "I apologize for any inconvenience the boy causes ahead of time."

"Oh, we absolutely love having Sirius stay with," said Charlus with a smirk. The two teens exchange a worried looked and glance at the clock.

_Where are they?_ Sirius mouthed to James.

_I don't know!_ James mouthed back. Then a door slammed open.

"Peter, let's not take long. You know I don't like Diago-," Steven Pettigrew stopped talking as soon as he saw the company he was in. "H-hello Orion, Charlus," he said, obviously shocked at the company.

"Yay! Petey!" James and Sirius exclaimed at simultaneously as they went to hug their fellow Marauder.

The flames in the fireplace sparked green again, and a boy dressed in shabby clothes stepped out of it, muttering in French. **"***Vous saves, je ne serai hamais m'y habituer! Hullo there ! " Remus Lupin called out, unsurprised, to his chums. A man that looked like Remus, but was not as sickly or tired, came out of the green flames.

"Remus, are you sure you can…?" John Lupin trailed off as he saw the others.

"MOONY!" exclaimed all three boys as they leapt onto Moony.

"I'm going to count to three," Remus said, and they all backed away quickly. Remus smiled. "I've trained you well."

"You said your friends were overenthusiastic, but I never understood how overenthusiastic," John Lupin chuckled. Everyone just stared awkwardly at each other for a good, long, awkward minute.

"Well, Charlus, I'll send the boy's things over," Orion said carefully. "Steven, John," he finished with a nod in their direction while stepping into the fireplace.

"Well, we didn't plan this at all!" James said in a very obvious voice. "Let's go shopping!"

**If you wanted to know, what Remus was muttering meant : You know, I'll never get used to that!**

**Well, that's what google translate said.**


	14. Peanut Butter

**Shout out to SoUsay234 who let me steal this idea from them. I also make references to God and godly substances. Sorry if I offend anybody.**

**Disclaimer ~ No matter how many times I wish upon a star, I don't own Harry Potter.**

It was sitting there, in all its glory. Just sitting so innocently. It looked so yummy, but the boys were afraid to touch it. They were afraid to ruin its absolute brilliance. What had these four nit-whits so captivated? A jar of peanut butter. Creamy, decadent peanut butter. Something Hogwarts didn't ever offer. They only had the chunky generic crap you at Wal-Mart. But some little angel decided to give the Marauders their heart's desire – creamy peanut butter.

"Let's open it!" Sirius said excitedly.

"No! We can't open it!" James protested. "We should have something to spread it on!"

"I haven't seen peanut butter like this since the holiday!" Peter said nostalgically.

"The anticipation is killing me! Open it now!" moaned Remus.

"There's no toast, or bread, or celery!" James insisted. If only they had listened to James.

"First, who eats peanut butter with celery? B, this is a gift from heaven. If the wizard god wanted us to use bread, wouldn't he have given it to us?" Sirius said, bringing up two good points. Remus and Peter nodded along enthusiastically.

Sirius reached down, gripped the lid, and slowly undid the peanut butter lid. Oh, a rhythm! Anywho, this simple yet dramatic act had a calamitous effect. First, the jar exploded, covering the boys head to toe in peanut butter. Then, the peanut butter spread to the walls. No matter what spell they used, the peanut butter wouldn't come off.

The boys took showers to rid themselves of the nutty goodness, but once they were done cleansing, they noticed something. They were all green. The once God-like substance was now a curse. Literally.

They checked themselves into the Hospital Wing, avoided peanut butter like the plague, and learned to never trust mysterious objects that appear in their dorm.

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW.**


	15. Condiment

**2 in 24 hours! Yay! This one is dedicated to my friend, who has a queer mind.**

**Disclaimer ~ Don't own Hp! Leave me alone!**

"Padfoot, I need your expert food advice," Moony asked his nutty friend.

"Sorry, I have to snog someone," Padfoot said.

"Prongs, could you help me?" Moony asked his other nutty friend.

"Sorry, I have Quidditch," Prongs replied.

"Wormtail, is there some possible way you can talk to me?" Moony asked desperately.

"Sorry *sneeze* I'm just really *cough* sick today *hack* so I'm going *sneezecoughhack* to the Hostpital Wing," Wormtail finished.

Moony sank down into the red plush couches of the common room next to his fellow prefect, Lily.

"Something the matter Remus?" the sympathetic girl asked.

"I just need someone to awnser one simple queston," he said sadly.

"Well I can do that!" Lily volunteered.

"Thank you! Now, be truthful, do you think butter is a spread or a condiment?"

Lily giggled.

"What?"

"Condiment is a funny word."

**Review please!**


	16. Sweet Valentine

**Please, please, pretty please review! This chapter is based on an experience I had with one of my friends.**

**Disclaimer ~I do not own Harry Potter.**

The four Marauders sat in an odd shape on the floor of their dormitory. Sirius was slumped against Peter, recovering from a sugar rush. The Peter just mentioned was quit uncomfortable with the current arrangement. James was rather giggly and the unfinished candy bar he was currently consuming was being slowly crushed by his hand. Remus was sitting with his legs folded expertly beneath him, a slight smile playing on his lips.

"Moony, should I ask Lily out for Valentine's Day?" James asked.

"Well, you are anyway," Remus replied curtly, "so I really don't see any reason why you are asking me." They became silent for awhile. Then…

"Remmy, Moony, Lupin," James began, "wouldn't it be awesome, if like monkeys fell from the sky?"

"What are you on about?" Remus replied, his eyes clearly questioning his friends sanity.

"Dunno, just saying the first thing that came to my mind," James laughed. "You try! It's fun!"

"Wouldn't it be awesome if," Remus paused here, thinking of something random (though it can't be random if he must think about it) "you could put snails in pancakes then feed them to rhinos?"

* * *

"Moony! Moony! Moony!" James cried the next day as he hit his friend with a pillow. "Remember last night? When I was teaching you to be random? Yeah! Well, Sirius has a new girlfriend(surprise surprise), her name is LaQuisha and I think we should send her a Valentine! Tell her what you said last week!"

"Do we not approve of her or something?" Remus asked, confused as to why anyone would send a girl that.

"No! You write it! Put what you said last night!"

Remus took his quill and began to write.

_Dear LaQuisha,_

_Wouldn't it be awesome if you could put snails in pancakes and feed them to rhinos?_

_Your Beloved,_

_Sirius xoxoxoxox_

"That 'Your Beloved' is a nice touch," James sniggered.


	17. Chapter Tennis

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own Harry Potter.**

The four marauders sat in the smart one's – Moony – living room. It was small and quaint, very Lupin-ish. The reason for the rendezvous was that Remus was taking his hooligans to play tennis. His grandfather was somewhat filthy rich, but did not approve of his daughter's marrige, so refused to give the Lupins any money to help them when they went broke. He did, however, love to dote on Remus. He taught him how to play tennis at the country club.

Remus loves playing tennis and he thought that his hooligans might do an okay job on it. So one lonely summer day he invited them over. "Sirius, do not embarrass me today. James, I do not want to hear about Lily at all, agreed? And Peter, please to not hurt yourself."

Silence.

Crickets chirp.

"Well, I suppose we could go then," Remus said with a sigh.

"What are we doing again?"

Faceplam. "We are playing tennis, Peter. I know that it is incredibly irresponsible to let you three near racquets, but I'm bored. Come on!"

It was quite a sight, four teenage boys walking in height order: Remus, James, Sirius, Peter. If only someone had seen them. Anywho, by the time they arrived, a certain red-head was there. "Hello Remus, fancy a game of tennis?" Lily asked politely, completely ignoring the rest.

"No, I am afraid, I must teach these idiots a game that requires skill." Remus replied, a sigh in his voice.

"Quidditch requires skill!" James protested.

"Shut up Potter!" Lily said, regarding him coldly. "Perhaps when you set them loose on each other we could have a civilized game."

"Perhaps, Lily. Now my fellow comrades, this racquet is not for hitting people," Sirius and James stopped beating each other with the said object, "nor is it for scratching backs," Peter lowered his, "and now, listen to me!"

He proceeded to teach the hooligans how to play this game, and soon they were doing an okay job. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must play a game with Evans, as promised. Don't worry James, she's all yours."

Remus and Lily put up a good game. A small crowd had gathered to watch. On the other hand, the three dunces were slowly playing a terrible game. Well, we can't be good at everything.


	18. Just Dance!

**Thanks for all the reviews, you guys make me smile! Also, I'm not using my beta because she is in Georgia. Or one of the Carolinas.**

**Disclaimer ~I don't own Harry Potter or the Marauders…nor do I own ice cream…**

Peter crept slowly into the room.

He checked under all the furniture for people.

He checked the room for any spells that would record what he did.

He checked for any peepholes.

He checked behind all the curtains for spying bodies.\

He put on some music.

Then…

he….

DANCED!

The chubby boy rocked out to bands that **no one has ever heard of**! Some titles were _The Pink Lovely Worms, The Funky Disco Balls,_ and _Hip Hop Bunnies _. He sent his flabby little arms a-flailing and moved those flat feet like there was no tomorrow! He circled his hips and sang like he was Barbra Streisland.

And then Remus walked in.

"Er – hullo there Remus, I didn't know you were, um, here…"

"Oh, uh, I didn't know you were busy, um…"

"Well this is awkward…"


	19. The High Ones

**I think this might be my last chapter...**

**Disclaimer~ I don't own Harry Potter or a clean room.**

The Marauders were sitting under a beech tree outside of Hogwarts on their last night. They were missing the feast but really didn't care. "Merlin, can you believe that we aren't ever coming back after this?" James asked, starring into the starry night.

"No, I really can't," Sirius answered. "Are you guys joining the Order?"

All four agreed.

"Man, we had some great times here," Peter said with a smile upon his face. "Remember the time Sirius got drunk?"

"You're going to have to be more specific, Pete, he got drunk for everything," the four – eyed one said. "He would get drunk if he passed an exam, or flunked an exam, or got a really sexy girl, or pulled an awesome prank, or got caught pulling an awesome prank, or studied, or ate, or -"

"**WE GET IT JAMES!"** Sirius said.

"What about when he got high? I mean, this is the seventies, the golden age of weed," Remus threw out there.

"Hey, I wasn't the only one high! Remember when…"

_***insert awesome flashblack-ness***_

Back in their fifth year, four slightly younger Marauders sat, incredibly bored, in their slightly younger dorm, complaining of their said boredom. Then, the one who enjoys illegal things, got a scary smile on his face. "Jamie, guess what I bought today!" Sirius said, evilly.

"More alcohol?" James asked in a very monotone voice.

"No, even better!"

"Prostitutes?"

"No! Weed!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus gave him his prefect look, Peter looked at him in admiration, and James adapted that evil smile that Sirius was wearing. "Look, we just smoke it and…"

_**3 smoke-filled hours later**_

"And then, then, then we ate the crackers!" Sirius giggled into Remus's shoulder. Everyone laughed a much drugged out laugh.

"We need to, like fooorrreevvver remember this, right now. Right. Now. RRRRiighht nooowwww," James slurred. Just then, Lily walked into the dorm, wondering where her fellow Gryffindor prefect was and why the hallway smelled so funny.

"What are you idiots doing?" she screeched. She then launched into a long – winded speech about how drugs are bad, blah blah blah. We all know she's wrong. What really got her going was when everybody kept giggling throughout her entire dialogue.

_***insert back-to-present-day awesomeness***_

"Oh, good times, Padfoot, good times," Peter sighed.

"You know, I still have some weed," Sirius grinned, that evil smirk back on his face.

Oh bloody hell.


End file.
